Adapting to the Loss of a Loved One: Three Tips on how to Cope

But now Christ is risen from the dead, and has become the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since by man came death, by man also came the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam, all die, even so in Christall shall be made alive. 1 Corinthians 15:20-22

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, Love leaves a memory no one can steal."
Irish proverb

Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn’t working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you’ve started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.

In some ways, losing a loved one is similar. Here you are going easily through life, and then, BAM, they are gone and life will never be the same. That piano piece sounds different because the middle C is broken, the cookies just aren’t the same, and at times, we are frustrated like we are when our CD gets scratched. Unfortunately, with the loss of a loved one, it's harder to fix than the piano or the batch of cookies, and your loved one was irreplaceable, unlike the CD. Short and simple, this is what grieving is: learning to cope with the loss of someone who was apart of what made us what we are. So, what do we do? How do we go on after they are gone? I have a few suggestions that might help you through.

First of all, just as each of us has different personalities, each of us grieves in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act, as long as you are not endangering yourself or others. Some of us cry. Others of us bury ourselves in work or hobbies. If the person is still living and only the relationship has changed, it is very easy for us to do all we can to change things back to how they used to be. At times, it may take a while to truly even admit that they are gone. We just might feel numb. Some of us might even feel guilty if we don’t feel sad enough! So, take your feelings and actions for what they are and be patient with yourself. After all, you have just lost a part of what makes you who you are.

Also, find a way to transition your loved one into your new life. Some write goodbye letters to their loved one, giving themselves a chance to tell them things that they never got to say. Some of us keep a little box full of pictures and memories only to be taken out when we want to remember them, because remembering them all the time would be too overwhelming. I had a friend who’s little brother died. She got married on his birthday as a way to include him at her wedding. Once again, it depends on you and your relationship with the one you loved.

Another thing, you usually don’t ever “get over it.” Your loved one is gone. If you no longer have an ingredient to make cookies, it’s easy to realize that replacing it with a different ingredient would not make the cookies start tasting like they used to. To expect that you will be able to replace your loved one is also unrealistic. This reality may sound even more depressing. Frankly, I love chocolate chip cookies, and the idea of not ever having one again is quite upsetting! But in time, if I had to, I could grow to love other sweets, like banana bread, sweet potato pie, or brownies. So, even if you aren’t going to get over it, in time, you will adapt to the loss and find fulfillment through other experiences and relationships.

So, be patient with yourself. Losing someone isn’t easy. It turns your life upside down. Naturally, it’s going to take a while to pick up the pieces and transition to life without your loved one. Remember, Beethoven composed some beautiful music after losing his hearing, and you will find happiness and fulfillment again in your life after losing your loved one.

Praying for your healing,
Pastor Mike

The source of all hope

One of the hardest things in this world to do is to turn to God when ourhearts have been broken. Satan uses our pain and sorow to distract us from the peace and solice that Jesus Christ can bring. Yes, there is a time, place, and reason to grieve, but when we turn to the Lord during these difficult times, then that's when we need the peace that Jesus provides the most.

Psalm 43:5 Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, the help of my countenance, and my God

Sometimes the depression resulting from a seemingly impossible situation is related to a wrong concept of God. David wrote: "How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? . . . How long will my enemy triumph over me?" Psalm 13:1, 2. Had God really forgotten David? Was He actually hiding from David? Of course not. David had a wrong concept of God, feeling that He had abandoned him to the enemy. David believed a lie about God, and consequently he lost his focus. His situation seemed hopeless, and hopelessness is the basis for all depression.

But the remarkable thing about David is that he didn't stay in the dumps. He evaluated his situation and realized, "Hey, I'm a child of God. I'm going to focus on what I know about Him, not on my negative feelings." From the pit of his depression, he wrote: "I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation" Psalm 13:5. Then he decided to make a positive _expression of his will: "I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me" (verse 6). He willfully moved away from his wrong concept and its accompanying depression and returned to the source of his hope.

If Satan can destroy your belief in God, you will lose your source of hope. But with God, all things are possible. He is the source of all hope. You need to learn to respond to hopeless-appearing situations as David did: "Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, the help of my countenance, and my God" Psalm 43:5.

If Satan can't destroy your concept of God, then he'll try to destroy your concept of who you are as a child of God. He can't do anything about your position in Christ, but if he can get you to believe it's not true, you will live as if it's not, even though it is. The two most important beliefs you possess are who God is and who you are as His child, and He will never leave you alone in your time of despair.

Praying you through your pain,
Pastor Mike

Hello everyone

Hello one and all. Welcome to my first post on a blog dealing with grief and the loss of a loved one or something loved. I say something loved because grief comes in many shapes and forms. Although we mostly associate grief with the loss of a loved one, it also comes in other forms. Having said that, we'll be touching on the various forms of grief anf the causes as we go along this journey we call life.

I look forward to being there for you in the future,
Pastor Mike